Forget tracking your steps with your FitBit, track your thrusts with i.Con.
Nearly everything you've ever wondered about sex can be answered and tracked now that we have "Smart Condoms." Thank goodness for the modern era. Here is a little list of what it can do/keep track of:
Thrust speed – Essentially the same as velocity, but if anybody tries man-splaining the difference between the two after sex they probably won’t have much more luck in that department.
Calories burned – It should be 69 calories. Every time, no matter what. No one should desire a legitimate answer to this.
How many times you had sex – If you don’t know how many times you just had sex, there might be bigger problems to worry about.
Average penis temperature – Sure?
Girth measurement – Something you can definitely find out without a $75 thingamajig. And also unnecessary because everyone knows size doesn’t matter.
How you stack up – Because what the world needs is a “sex leaderboard” and the ability to send sex data to your friends or (horrifyingly) family. What could go wrong?